I think this isn't bad at all. I would insist more on what tasks you performed exactly during your experiences.
Your letter shows that you are interest in the field, but you could do more to show that the skills you acquired are adapted to your research goals.
metapuff wrote:Very good! Just a minor thing: when you wrote `` will continue this project as my senior thesis under Dr. Fox and Professor Eric Blackman, University of Rochester, in spring 2016'', did you mean spring 2017?
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